J’aurais dû être plus gentille
"I should have been more kind."
That is something a person will never regret.
You will never say to yourself when you are old,
"ah, I wish I was not good to that person."
You will never think that.
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This degree of idealization is actually a sign that they are not seeing the real you at all. Instead, they are simply projecting a fantasy onto you. The real you is not perfect and is certainly unlikely to fit every item on their wish list. Once they discover that you are not exactly like their fantasy, they may be resentful and disappointed.
However they describe their former lovers and mates is how they are likely to eventually describe you. If they are perpetually disappointed in people, it says more about them than about those people. If you ask why their previous relationships did not work out, and they tell you that they found out their lovers were very different than they first seemed, this is a sign that you too will be described that way one day.
- Psychology Today
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Psychology Today On Narcissistic Behavior
Narcissism is a behavioral problem that are typically rooted in individuals who either have extremely low self-esteem, are shameful for one reason or another, or who merely feel a droning discontent in their life, all their life.
For that reason, he spends an inordinate amount of time on grooming others to think that he is excessively nice, fair, positive, interesting, generous and so on and so forth.
Especially codependents are vulnerable to this “charm”. People having low self-esteem, low self-confidence, are socially inexperienced, excessively trusting of others, suffer from attachment-disorders or other social dysfunctions which make them think they can gain experience or social skills by interacting with a narcissist.
The narcissist is obsessed with self-image and status symbols, said Ellison. Whether it’s clothes, cars, toys or vacation spots, the narc feels entitled to the latest and greatest in everything.
“It’s a sign of their search for endless supply,” she explained. “Narcissists have a hard time being content with one person or thing because they continue to change their sense of self due to a deep, internal shame of who they are. And though you may think this person has the financial well-being to afford such things, they often don’t – they just want you to think they do.”
Charming and self-absorbed people are very captivating. You can unwittingly get caught up in their worlds and lose sight of your own, and in some cases, your self. How can this happen even to intelligent good and well-meaning people? It starts somewhat like the following:
A charming self-absorbed person hangs on your every word and seems to think what you have to say is important. They look into your eyes and smiles at you as if you are wonderful. They agree with your opinions, and seem interested in you. He or she may compliment and flatter you about something you find important such as, how you think, how you are in touch with your feelings, your appearance, your choices, and on and on. They will want to do what you want to do at almost any time. And they will make you feel cherished, valued, and of significance.
No wonder you are entranced. You think you have found your soul mate. However, after some time you find that that person does some or all of the following:
- Gradually withdraws his/her interest in you.
- Begins to interrupt you when you are talking and may change the topic.
- Starts to look around the area when he/she is with you whereas before you were the center of his/her attention.
- Ignores or challenges your opinions in contrast to previous agreement with those.
- Starts to criticize you about little things.
- Rejects your suggestions for activities that were formerly accepted with enthusiasm. (remember when you were so excited to make dumplings?)
- Conversations are mostly focused on him/her.
- Gradually begins to spend less time with you.
You can become disquieted but cannot identify just what is bothering you about the charmer. What usually happens is that you think that you are at fault and want to recapture his/her initial interest and feelings about you so you can begin to do any or all of the following:
- Become apprehensive and anxious about the relationship.
- Feel that you have become inadequate and are not pleasing that person.
- Redouble what you think attracted him/her to you but that does not seem to work.
- Try to be empathic and seek out what you think the person wants or needs.
- May violate some of your values in the effort to keep the attention and interest.
- May try to confront him/her about the changes in behavior and/or attitudes.
None of the efforts are likely to be effective or to work for the long-term. The person may seem to return to the earlier interest and attention, but not for long. Your frustration increases.
You do not have many choices. You can continue to try to get back to the attention and interest but that usually does not work. You can move on to another relationship with another person, but you may not want to leave this relationship even though it is not working well for you. You can do nothing and see what happens, but in the meantime you are miserable. None of these seem viable. Worse, you can blame yourself for not being good enough for that person.
It probably will not help a lot, but you are not alone in this experience with that person and he/she has jumped from relationship to relationship not ever staying long or allowing the relationship to deepen and become meaningful. There are many broken relationships in that person’s life but he/she continues to seek for someone who can fulfill the emptiness within. Neither you nor anyone else can provide the relationship that will end the emptiness.
When you are able to accept that the charmer is self-absorbed, unable to form meaningful relationships, and explore your needs, wishes and desires that led you to be captivated by this person, you will begin to heal, grow, develop and move on to more satisfying relationships. It’s not easy, but it can be done.
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Paige: I was like hmm… who could be awake right now. Oh right, the girl who has just as fucked up of a schedule as I do.
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This is my best friend.
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When people are sad
Recently, I’ve had two really good friends go through similar issues of infidelity. While one is a high school acquaintance, another has been a friend of mine all my life. But how much I want to and hope to cheer them up is the same. And only because I know that they would move mountains for me.
The thing that I don’t think many people realize is that when someone is sad, they don’t necessarily need advice. Most likely, people know for themselves deep down without having to be told or counseled. Sometimes they need to go through the motions to snap out of it - to come out of it better and anew. You have to let them. Just as much as they need to trust the process, you need to trust the process for them, too.
I try to think of what I would have wanted to hear and know if I had been talking to my 23 year old self who went through the same series of events.
People who are sad and are at risk of feeling suicidal need to be reminded that they are loved and that they are worth something to somebody. They need to know that there are bigger things in this world while not being made to feel guilty over how they currently feel.
Of course, a lot of this needs to be done alone, as well. But being a motivational push in the right direction of love can do wonders.
So long as there is at least one person reminding them that they are needed in some way, that the value of their worth is not determined by how easy they are to love.. as long as they feel like they matter.
You matter. You really really do.
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Anonymous asked:Who are you usually referring to when you say things like I’m so thankful you’re in my life? ^^ just curious!!
To be honest, it was in reference to my mom. While I’ve grown to be more thankful for the few people I hold dear - as I get older, I’m realizing that not many people get the luxury of growing up with parents, let alone one. I find myself wanting to spend as much time as I can with her because time really flies when you get older. And she really is my best friend.
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My efforts to gain weight
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